You grew your angel wings 5 years ago, my son, my gorgeous precious boy. I don't need an anniversary to remind me of you, or to remind me that you're no longer here. I still can't watch videos of you, but I sometimes say hello to your picture in a frame, or kiss the glass. I always think about your cheekiness and quirky ways. Your big brown eye and funny jo-jo-isms. I admit, its not easy having lost a child, my son. The pain is indescribable sometimes, and I just go on with life anyway, because that's what we do. It's a surreal kind of feeling - it's not meant to be this way. 5 years and it feels like only yesterday. Miss you. Love-a you.
Okay, so this post is a bit philosophical. But relevent.
A few weeks ago I was trimming the palm trees in my yard, and if you don’t already know, they can be dangerous! If ends of the fronds make contact with any part of your body, it is highly likely the tip will remain imbedded in your skin, and can be so painful! They apparently do contain a poison.
Anyway, the day after, the knuckles across my right hand were so sore, I could barely bend my fingers. I also realized I got a palm tip in my big toe. It didn't bother me as much to begin with, and I thought it would probably come out by itself. But over the last few weeks, an annoying pain remained. I had a bit of stab at it one night when I was in a hurry to go somewhere, and decided it hurt too much, and again figured that since I’d broken the skin, then maybe the tip would work its way out itself.
Yesterday, I’d had enough. I could feel the dull but localised pain each time I walked and placed pressure on a certain part of my toe. I took some time, and finally, after some digging, got the little blighter out! The relief was instant. Although having said that, there is some residual pain, but it feels different and I know it will eventually go.
This is the little tip that was causing me pain. I mean, seriously. That’s it. In the scheme of things, very tiny, but very painful.
It had me thinking about life, and in particular certain events and situations occurring not only in my life right now, but for those around me. Not unlike certain people in our lives, or situations.
We know these people or situations are potentially dangerous in some way. They’re toxic or destructive, but we go there anyway. Some people or things cause more pain than others. Then, they get under our skin, and we try to ignore it. We are not honest with ourselves, and want to believe that things will just go away, or get better by themselves.
Often we get to a point where we attempt to change things and remove ourselves from the situation or person causing us pain. Sometimes it can take many many attempts. And sometimes we fail at that. One reason I believe is because it hurts. Just like having a bit of an attempt to remove the palm tip, it hurt too much at the time, and I believed it was easier to leave it alone, and placed the responsibility elsewhere by thinking it would work itself out.
Once we make a firm decision, and take that final definitive step to remove whatever is causing our pain or sadness (or whatever is relavent to you here), it is a scary step. Being accountable and taking responsibility is often painful in itself. We know that action will hurt. But after it is done, there is immediate relief. And that’s not to say some pain will not remain, because it does. Especially if the cause of pain has been there a long time, and if numerous attempts have been made to try and remove it.
Sometimes we’re left wondering why we took so long to make a change. Sometimes we realize that taking action wasn’t as painful as we thought it would be, because we’ve avoided it so long. Very occasionally, the source of pain and discomfort can not be totally removed; so then look at what else you can change or adjust? Maybe it could even be simply the way you view things, your attitude.
But innately you also know that you will feel much better, once you’ve taken the steps to remove the cause of pain. It will feel different, you may even be scarred. In the long run, especially then, you will be free.
Decide to be accountable, and take responsibility for your actions. Importantly, be honest. It’s your life. It’s your choice.
For some, when they've experienced the loss of a loved one, or a trying to cope with caring for someone ill, or where life just isn't the same as it perhaps once was, Christmas especially can be a challenging time emotionally.
For me personally, Christmas and other anniversaries are no different to any time of year. Christmas and anniversaries are usually okay. My moments of melancholy or reminiscence about my Jojo usually occur when I least expect them. But most times, I, and my other kids, remember and talk about him openly and with big smiles on our faces. Because that's the kind of boy he was - always smiling, or at the very least, making others smile.
This holiday season, in Australia anyway, is the time to be more vigilant around water. Never become complacent, and please, always watch the water.
Wishing you and the special people in your life a lovely Christmas and bright 2014. x
4 years ago, on Joshy's 4th birthday, just 6 months after his drowning, I made his this fabulous ooey-gooey Nigella Lawson Honey cake. In loving memory for what would of been his 8th birthday, we decided to make it again for today.
Wow. It has been a while since I've posted, and a number of things have transpired.
I don't really talk about my other kids on here, but those closest to me know of their achievements, and how proud I am of the individual people each of my four are developing in to.
Regarding Josh, a few weeks ago on 3rd July saw three years since he grew his angel wings. Of course we think of him daily, and it's getting a little easier to remember his little ways and idiosyncrasies, without dwelling there and being sad. For example, we could be talking about lollies, and one of the kids will say, in a Jo-jo voice, while doing a sweeping hand motion, "I want all dem" (I want all of them).
On a more personal level, in recent months, many things have happened - some good and some have, ahem, ...'added to my life learning'. ;). For a little while now, I have worked as a Contact Support Worker. Sometimes, through the courts system, where children are removed and placed in to the care of someone else, I transport and supervise visits between children and their parent(s) or carer(s). This is indeed challenging, but I enjoy it, and am about to step up the hours a little.
Recently I completed and graduated with dual Diplomas - one in Case Management and the other in Community Service. Monday I begin my Social Science Degree, and will take that slowly.
Of course there are times when the realness of the fact of what my baby went through, and that he's no longer here does just hit me without warning, and I take a moment or two...but as is the way, things continue to move forward.
Just one thing for now... can someone please switch on the warmer weather here?
of Community Service has now commenced, with a bang, and have received my transcript for Certificate IV in Community Service. Yay! Diploma is more theoretical, but I'm looking forward to learning to write critically and bureaucratically. We also have 240 hours of work placement to complete in addition, and I have a few ideas of where Id like to go, but am open to guidance...
Please remember that anything on this blog is from my own perspective, and I only share what I would comfortable sharing if I were talking to you in person. If you feel that I have made reference to you inappropriately, please contact me.