10th birthday

Sending extra love and hugs to Jojo today on what would be his 10th birthday.

Love-a you. Miss you. x

5 years an angel

You grew your angel wings 5 years ago, my son, my gorgeous precious boy.  I don't need an anniversary to remind me of you, or to remind me that you're no longer here.  I still can't watch videos of you, but I sometimes say hello to your picture in a frame, or kiss the glass. I always think about your cheekiness and quirky ways.  Your big brown eye and funny jo-jo-isms.  I admit, its not easy having lost a child, my son.  The pain is indescribable sometimes, and I just go on with life anyway, because that's what we do.  It's a surreal kind of feeling - it's not meant to be this way.  5 years and it feels like only yesterday.  Miss you.  Love-a you. 

1461 days

The total number of days between Friday, July 2nd, 2010 and Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014 is 1,461 days.

This is equal to 4 years.

1,461 days is equal to 208 weeks and 5 days.

The total time span from 2010-07-02 to 2014-07-02 is 35,064 hours.

This is equivalent to 2,103,840 minutes.

You can also convert 1,461 days to 126,230,400 seconds.

... since my gorgeous jojo grew his angel wings. 

love-a you and miss you so much joey mcgoey. x

Remove the thorn!

Okay, so this post is a bit philosophical. But relevent.

A few weeks ago I was trimming the palm trees in my yard, and if you don’t already know, they can be dangerous! If ends of the fronds make contact with any part of your body, it is highly likely the tip will remain imbedded in your skin, and can be so painful! They apparently do contain a poison. 

Anyway, the day after, the knuckles across my right hand were so sore, I could barely bend my fingers.  I also realized I got a palm tip in my big toe. It didn't bother me as much to begin with, and I thought it would probably come out by itself. But over the last few weeks, an annoying pain remained. I had a bit of stab at it one night when I was in a hurry to go somewhere, and decided it hurt too much, and again figured that since I’d broken the skin, then maybe the tip would work its way out itself. 

Yesterday, I’d had enough. I could feel the dull but localised pain each time I walked and placed pressure on a certain part of my toe. I took some time, and finally, after some digging, got the little blighter out! The relief was instant. Although having said that, there is some residual pain, but it feels different and I know it will eventually go.

This is the little tip that was causing me pain. I mean, seriously. That’s it. In the scheme of things, very tiny, but very painful.

It had me thinking about life, and in particular certain events and situations occurring not only in my life right now, but for those around me. Not unlike certain people in our lives, or situations.

We know these people or situations are potentially dangerous in some way. They’re toxic or destructive, but we go there anyway. Some people or things cause more pain than others. Then, they get under our skin, and we try to ignore it. We are not honest with ourselves, and want to believe that things will just go away, or get better by themselves.

Often we get to a point where we attempt to change things and remove ourselves from the situation or person causing us pain. Sometimes it can take many many attempts. And sometimes we fail at that. One reason I believe is because it hurts. Just like having a bit of an attempt to remove the palm tip, it hurt too much at the time, and I believed it was easier to leave it alone, and placed the responsibility elsewhere by thinking it would work itself out.

Once we make a firm decision, and take that final definitive step to remove whatever is causing our pain or sadness (or whatever is relavent to you here), it is a scary step. Being accountable and taking responsibility is often painful in itself. We know that action will hurt. But after it is done, there is immediate relief. And that’s not to say some pain will not remain, because it does. Especially if the cause of pain has been there a long time, and if numerous attempts have been made to try and remove it.

Sometimes we’re left wondering why we took so long to make a change. Sometimes we realize that taking action wasn’t as painful as we thought it would be, because we’ve avoided it so long. Very occasionally, the source of pain and discomfort can not be totally removed; so then look at what else you can change or adjust?  Maybe it could even be simply the way you view things, your attitude.

But innately you also know that you will feel much better, once you’ve taken the steps to remove the cause of pain. It will feel different, you may even be scarred. In the long run, especially then, you will be free. 

Decide to be accountable, and take responsibility for your actions. Importantly, be honest. It’s your life. It’s your choice.

Merry Christmas

For some, when they've experienced the loss of a loved one, or a trying to cope with caring for someone ill, or where life just isn't the same as it perhaps once was, Christmas especially can be a challenging time emotionally.   

For me personally, Christmas and other anniversaries are no different to any time of year.  Christmas and anniversaries are usually okay.  My moments of melancholy or reminiscence about my Jojo usually occur when I least expect them.  But most times, I, and my other kids, remember and talk about him openly and with big smiles on our faces.  Because that's the kind of boy he was - always smiling, or at the very least, making others smile. 

This holiday season, in Australia anyway, is the time to be more vigilant around water. Never become complacent, and please, always watch the water. 

Wishing you and the special people in your life a lovely Christmas and bright 2014. x

8th birthday

4 years ago, on Joshy's 4th birthday, just 6 months after his drowning, I made his this fabulous ooey-gooey Nigella Lawson Honey cake.  In loving memory for what would of been his 8th birthday, we decided to make it again for today.

Miss you. Love-a you Jojo. x

Been a while...

Wow. It has been a while since I've posted, and a number of things have transpired.

I don't really talk about my other kids on here, but those closest to me know of their achievements, and how proud I am of the individual people each of my four are developing in to.

Regarding Josh, a few weeks ago on 3rd July saw three years since he grew his angel wings. Of course we think of him daily, and it's getting a little easier to remember his little ways and idiosyncrasies, without dwelling there and being sad.  For example, we could be talking about lollies, and one of the kids will say, in a Jo-jo voice, while doing a sweeping hand motion, "I want all dem" (I want all of them).

On a more  personal level, in recent months, many things have happened - some good and some have, ahem, ...'added to my life learning'. ;).  For a little while now, I have worked as a Contact Support Worker.  Sometimes, through the courts system,  where children are removed and placed in to the care of someone else,  I transport and supervise visits between children and their parent(s) or carer(s).  This is indeed challenging, but I enjoy it, and am about to step up the hours a little.

Recently I completed and graduated with dual Diplomas - one in Case Management and the other in Community Service.  Monday I begin my Social Science Degree, and will take that slowly.  

Of course there are times when the realness of the fact of what my baby went through, and that he's no longer here does just hit me without warning, and I take a moment or two...but as is the way, things continue to move forward.

Just one thing for now... can someone please switch on the warmer weather here? 

Thank you

A big thank you to the friends, family and supporters who brought the recent publication of Kyle Sandilands book "Scandalands" to my attention.

I appreciate your concern. :)

Diploma

of Community Service has now commenced, with a bang, and have received my transcript for Certificate IV in Community Service.  Yay!  Diploma is more theoretical, but I'm looking forward to learning to write critically and bureaucratically.  We also have 240 hours of work placement to complete in addition, and I have a few ideas of where Id like to go, but am open to guidance...

Let's go!

2 years

This picture was taken in 2009, about 2 weeks before his accident.  He's been gone 2 years now.

Love-a you. I do.

Miss you, Joey McGoey. 

Another chapter Finished

The Coroner's Court finally made the decision that no inquest would be required, and that a Death Certificate for Josh can finally be issued.

Finally, this particular chapter can end. 

And then Life Changed

forever.

3 years today, Josh nearly drowned in the backyard pool, and was left severely brain damaged.  3 years ago.  And 18 months since he grew his angel wings.  Man, where did that time go?

We wont be 'doing' anything to remember today. I mean, ugh, who wants to really remember it?  On the other hand, its a date I never forget, but not a day goes past when I dont think of my Jojo in some way. x

A new year

I know for some, 2011 is a year some would rather forget.  Some people I know have been through some absolute rubbish, and even still trying to dig their way out.

But as always, I believe its how you deal with what you're given that really matters, and shows your true character.

Here's hoping 2012 is fantastic for you, and a year of moving forward.

For my Angel

at Christmas :)

This Much

Water safety isn't just about backyard pools. Potential hazards are all around; buckets, dog bowls, esky's, puddles,and of course showers and bath tubs!

It only take 'this much' water for a child to drown.  Watch the water!

Always, always, always!  Watch the water!  Not just pools of any kind, but bath tubs, showers, buckets of water, even puddles. It doesn't take much water for a child to drown.

Community Services

Hello! Hello!

It's been a while, but life has been busy.  Mostly good; only one or two of the usual 'things' not even worth a mention, trying to bring things down.  But that's life.

It's how and what you do with what life hands you that matters.

A few months ago I started full time study in the Community Services Industry.  I can honestly say its one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I enjoy it immensely.  I have submitted a few assessments now, and the feedback has been positive, so yay!  (Even had to do a speech, and shook less than previous occasions! haha!).  I'm on the right track!  This particular course is a wonderful general course introducing this field and opportunities (and gaps) within it.  I have an idea of where I want to go with it all, but one thing I have definitely learned is that you can plan things all you like, but sometimes things happen that you have no control over and you need to change direction...So it is with study; I have a goal in mind but I could end up in a different place. And I can't wait to see where that will be!

I've also worked a little and enjoyed some industry visits, and those experiences have been invaluable.  I look forward to more eye-openers!

My gorgeous kids are developing on many levels, and I am really proud of each of them and love them to pieces.  There are still times we need to re-adjust as a family, depending on what is happening at the time, but again, that's just life, so we move forward together.

365 days

There’s that ache again. Recognise it now.

The pain in my chest wanting, needing,

To burst out through the hole that is there.

Permanently gaping.

The noises that rise from the depths of my being

Out in to the air

Shouldn’t surprise me, but they do.

Still feeling raw.

Oh, the things I would change if I could.

To have your gorgeous whole healthy self here.

That cheeky laugh, those quirky ways.

Ah, hindsight.

I miss you endlessly.  More than all the blades of grass

And all the ants in the world.

Weren't you just in my arms? Didn’t I kiss your chubby cheeks?

Just dreaming.

Still so surreal. Time drags. Time flies.

Each step I take is one forward but

Only ‘cause I know that’s what Ive got to do.

Miss you.  Love-a you. Always. 

First Aid

Finally.  This week,  I redid my Senior First Aid Certificate with St John.

Do you know how to do CPR?  Book in for your course now.

Unexpected Reminders

And so many little things have happened over the last few months.  Many unexpected triggers that cause a rush of emotion - be it happiness, nostalgia, sadness.  All endless.

Today, I was at my children school, watching the Easter Hat parade, that my 7 year old was to be in.  The Kindergarten kids came out first, and the first thing I thought of, again unexpectedly, was that Josh would've been in Kindy... 

He shouldv'e been there today, parading around in his decorated ice-cream container.

I wondered what class he would've been in.

He would've loved school.

All endless.  Fleeting anger, but more resigned.

No tissues handy, but I had a scarf to surreptitiously wipe away the tears...

As Year 2 came out though, I watched my other son with pride, and thankful I was able to be there for him.