Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I miss my boy

So, I'm sitting here at work, in my little cubicle office, entering data in to a spread sheet, minding my own business, when WHAM! outta nowhere, I think, rather loudly, "I miss my boy."

I try not to acknowledge the thought. I mean, hello? I'm working. I'm busy.  But no.  No consideration - again in my mind I hear "I miss my boy."  Yes, I know, I think in return.  Happy now?  I heard you.  "I miss my boy!" my mind practically screams back...

My eyes well with tears.


I take my eye drops from my handbag - handy for just such an event, and I briefly wonder how I even have presence of mind to of thought to grab it - and I go to the bathroom.

I stand in front of the huge windows looking out to the street.  And I let go...

I'm aware of my shoulders moving in time with my sobs.The mirror is next to the windows, and I turn to look at myself.  Im thinking I look a lot older when I cry.  But I havent cried like this in a long time.

I miss my boy.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself  And I definitely don't wish for my entire old life back, because there are a lot of things I never want to go through, or my kids to go through, again, Josh aside.  But I do want my Jojo back.

Thankfully, no one has come in during my... here Im stuck for words...Session? Cry? Moment? Release?

I take a deep breath. And another.  I do feel better.  Drained. Exhausted. But better.

And thankfully, no one comes in while I blow my nose, smooth out my hair and fix my makeup a little.

And finally, I lean my head back, and add the eye drops to my eyes.


sam said...

hugs wendy you have been so strong for so long it is good to let go & make you feel human again

just know there are lots of people holding your hand & smoothing your hair even if it is only virtually

sending you huge virtual hugs

Leesa said...

You're so brave xo

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