Long nights...

(taken from my journal)

Last night was one of the longest nighs ever. Not a brilliant sleep for me.

11.30am.

Johns brother came about 8pm, and John and I went to our room. We talked for a bit, and John ended up laying with me, and we fell asleep. Johns brother rang our room around 3am, ready to go home, so John went up to be with Josh.

John popped home this morning briefly. He said he found it hard to be there (at home).

2.10pm

They took Josh around 12.50pm for his MRI. Ive spent the time since on my own. Had a big lunch 'cause I figure I probably wont eat dinner tonight, but I feel ill. Im quite weepy today too. Melie and Paris's dad came for about an hour today and bought Josh a pack of cool Matchbox cars. A girl from school even sms'd me well-wishes. The preschool gave Joey a gorgeous cuddly tiger, and colourin-in thing, and card. Im so glad there is so much support for us. We couldnt do this on our own.

John told me he told Josh he was sorry this morning. Sorry for letting him down. I told John that I dont blame him for anything. Im not angry with him.

I am scared though. How will John and I know if we're making the right decisions? What if we dont agree?

The first night here in hospital, I held one of Joshy's bublebee (yellow) cars all night while I slept, and I didnt let go. Ive been holding on to it again since 1pm.

Our nurse today is usually a bit more smiley. John and I arent sure what it is, but something is different. Maybe she is just tired? Or had a bad weekend? Or maybe its about Josh?

John and I were talking about things happening for a reason, and those things supposedly making you stronger. What the hell is the reason for this? Why would I need to be any stronger? John feels maybe he is being punished. For what? It's not Joeys fault. He's an angel. The best kid you could want.

9.50pm

The unofficial report was a long time coming, but basically the MRI scan shows worse damage than first thought. We have some really tough choices to make over the coming weeks, and perhaps I'll write about it as we go along.