7th February

(taken from my journal)

2.25am

The weather has been crazy outside of a day; high 30's and even into 40 degrees! there are something like 38 bushfire's around, and here in the ward we can even smell the smoke, most likely from the Lane Cove fires.

I had about 2 1/2 hours sleep tonight, and John woke me for his turn to sleep. I think I'll stay another hour or so and go sleep some more.

Joey was low on Potassium after his last blood gas checks, so the nurse has just given him some more. Earlier today when they had to do the same thing, he "woke", and all this green gunk from his belly came up through his nose. So Ive been watching and waiting from this dose of Potassium, but he seems fine.

3.05am

Id no sooner written that (above), when Joey woke up. It wasn't for long though. He didn't really look at me, although he did seem to try to squeeze my hand when I asked. Little tears come out of his eyes, and my heart breaks. The nurses moved Josh again, and cleaned his air tube, and suctioned. I cried a fair bit, which I haven't done since, oh, yesterday! I just want to kiss him all over as if that will make him okay. I don't think of things like "Whats life going to be like now?". Its all about Josh. How is life for him? The nurse looking after Josh tried to help me... but I just really want to bawl, and pick Josh up and kiss him all over!

Am I strong enough to give Josh everything he needs? What about my other gorgeous kids? God I love them, and miss them!

Everything is so hard, because Im known to be strong, but I just want to crack. Im trying to be strong for John too because Im worried about him, but I just want to get lost in his embrace. But I know he cant give me that right now. Maybe he wont ever be able to again.