Nothing new...

today.

I went to bed quite early last night - about 10.30. But then I got up about 1am when I heard Josh "cough" and called the nurse in to suction him. Then I helped her change and reposition him. Didn't take me long to go back to sleep, but I actually had spooky nightmares, for the first time in a loooong time, and later, I also dreamt of my Nan and Pop. At the end of that dream, my Pop had me enclosed in his arm as we walking along the top of a beautiful mountain. It wasn't until I awoke that I remembered my Pop hasn't been with us since last May. Perhaps he was trying to comfort me?

I then got up at 7.50am, when John called. No sleeping-in at hospital either! :)

A doctor came by, and I enquired about the redness at the bottom of Josh's eyes, especially his right eye. I thought it was from the eye drops we give him and maybe we needed to try a new bottle because Josh actually moves his head after each drop (like maybe they were stinging?), but John thought possibly because of the Hyoscine patch because that is behind his right ear. The doctor reckons its simply because he doesn't close his eyes all the way when asleep, and also doesn't blink much. We need to take more care putting special gauze on his eyes when he is asleep, closing the eyes properly to keep the moisture in.

The main doctor, the one that John spoke to on the phone yesterday, also came by today (while I was in the shower). She had come in to see another patient even though she wasn't due until tomorrow.Although Josh hasn't been suctioned down his throat for some days, she got the nurse to go down because she wanted to see if he coughed. Josh didn't. That's not good. You imagine sticking say your fingers down your throat; you're bound to gag at least. :(

Josh's pupils remain large most of the time, even when there's plenty of light. Apparently that's related to his brain damage. But last night John swears his pupils were small, and it was like he was following - very slowly - a toy John held in front of his eyes. It didn't happen for me when I tried.

John and I have different views on the future for Josh. We both agree that we need to consider his quality of life. And we agree that we just dont know how much he does or doesnt do is okay, or if our decisions are the right ones. But John still hangs on to more hope than I do. I am more at ease with letting Josh go, if things turn out that way, because I know that how he is now, and even if he improved a little, is only a shadow, a mere faint shadow, of his former self. John talks about signs, and things happening for a reason, which I would of agreed with once. But how do you explain something as tragic as this even happening? What is the reason for that? Maybe it's kinder to let him go, if he chooses, rather than hang on to him like a trophy. Remember, that all of what I write is my own take on things, so John may see some things I write about differently.

I think sometimes, as people, we try to rationalise things as a way of coping. But there is no rationale for this. We also both agree that its really hard working out the difference between being realistic, and wishful thinking.

I love Jojo so much too, which is why I feel this way, and have never waivered.