Dreaming

Sometimes I still catch myself shaking my head, in disbelief I guess, that this has happened to my Jojo. To me. To us.

The kids and I are always talking in "Jojo-isms" and remembering what he used to say. I miss my little boy.

I want to throw a huge tantrum, and shake myself about, and wail "it's not fair!"

I used to be a big believer in things happening for a reason. But this just doesn't make sense. What possible meaning can something like this have? And then there's the comments of "(insert higher power eg: God here) only gives us what we can deal with." Well, shit, I didn't need this kind of challenge, and my Joey sure as Hell didn't deserve this. Couldn't He have given me some other test that didn't affect my kids???

I'm really not liking this state of limbo at the moment. I'm searching for a home (long story), and have packed quite a bit, but the days I'm not Joshy's primary carer, I jam pack with other things like meetings, paperwork, and grocery shopping, or buying other things we'll need when we move, and the list goes on. I do catch up with friends or family occasionally too. And the days I am with Josh, I cant put all my focus on him like I want, because I'm often preoccupied with setting up our future.

I am really looking forward to what in my mind will be a fresh start for us all.