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Joshy's Things

Since Joshy's gathering, I guess I've been kind of numb, or rather, even more so than in the last 17 months.  I'm positive there is an invisible wall up in front of me guarding me emotionally; Ive never been one to go from one extreme to another such as having periods where I am deliriously happy or depressingly sad, but I notice I'm at a fairly constant emotional state more than ever right now.  So, I do laugh, and I do cry, but whatever emotional place I'm in, it doesn't stay that way long. I go straight back to the straight line; neither really happy or really sad.

There is no hurry to clear Joshy's things; I know that. Some things Ive been fine to deal with, like strangely, Jojo's clothes; they're gone or sorted.  The car seat was removed from my car and given back to The Samuel Morris Foundation on the day of Joshy's service, and the shower chair and standing frame were returned the the rehab department at the hospital last week. But! His vitamins are still up in the cupboard, where I would bring them down of a night.  The suction machine and nebuliser are in exactly the same place as they were.  Joshy and Kane shared their room and I haven't been able to go in and spend any length of time in there.  A couple of large wall decals have fallen off, but I haven't picked them up.  All Kanes toys are still strewn all over the floor.  Theres a pile of Kane's washing that Ive left on the floor because I haven't wanted to sort it into the drawers...

Tomorrow however, I will have to do it.  Last weekend the kids and I chose and ordered some new bedroom furniture (for Kayla and Kane) and I need to make room for it to be delivered.  And also the company who actually owns the bed Josh used are coming tomorrow...

Flowers

Its time for all the gorgeous wreaths and bunches of flowers we received last Friday to go.  They're dying. They're not smelling too good.  But Im putting it off.

Messages

How are you?

Isn't it funny how when we're out shopping or somewhere, and the attendant asks "How are you today?" and automatically we reply with "Not bad thanks" or "Fine. You?"

What I'm really feeling is that my heart is broken and what I really want to say that I feel like I'm now walking around with out an arm or something because a piece of me is now gone forever.

Thanksgiving Service

The service for Josh will be held this Friday 9th July.

Details will be in Thursday 8th July's edition of The Daily Telegraph (Sydney).

Angel

Jojo had not been well all week; Monday night he was sleepy.  We suctioned a little blood.  Tuesday evening we took video of Josh's range (how much he could or couldn't bend etc) to send to ABR for an assessment of sorts and a further exercise plan.  He was still sleepy and pale.  Wednesday an appointment was made with the GP for Friday for Josh.  By Thursday night he was still sleepy and pale, and cold...

Friday morning I was doing Josh's morning nebuliser meds, and checking in on him as usual among doing all the other usual morning things like getting kids ready for school.  And one time when I went to check on him I knew immediately he wasn't with us anymore.  I tried to rouse him, and laid my hand on his chest. But there was nothing.  I called JF and he came within a couple of minutes.  My eldest daughter had already left for school, but the other three could tell something wasn't right, and hung around the doorway, but did not to come in to the bedroom.  I suggested we take Josh out of there since he shares with Kane, and lay him on his special lounge in the lounge room; somehow it occurred to me that Kane may have difficulty sleeping in the same room otherwise.

I called the ambulance who were also with us in a matter of minutes, and confirmed what we already knew...

...on Friday 2nd July, just after 8.10am, my Jojo - our brave strong cheeky Jojo who touched the lives of many - became an angel.