Community Services

Hello! Hello!

It's been a while, but life has been busy.  Mostly good; only one or two of the usual 'things' not even worth a mention, trying to bring things down.  But that's life.

It's how and what you do with what life hands you that matters.

A few months ago I started full time study in the Community Services Industry.  I can honestly say its one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I enjoy it immensely.  I have submitted a few assessments now, and the feedback has been positive, so yay!  (Even had to do a speech, and shook less than previous occasions! haha!).  I'm on the right track!  This particular course is a wonderful general course introducing this field and opportunities (and gaps) within it.  I have an idea of where I want to go with it all, but one thing I have definitely learned is that you can plan things all you like, but sometimes things happen that you have no control over and you need to change direction...So it is with study; I have a goal in mind but I could end up in a different place. And I can't wait to see where that will be!

I've also worked a little and enjoyed some industry visits, and those experiences have been invaluable.  I look forward to more eye-openers!

My gorgeous kids are developing on many levels, and I am really proud of each of them and love them to pieces.  There are still times we need to re-adjust as a family, depending on what is happening at the time, but again, that's just life, so we move forward together.

365 days

There’s that ache again. Recognise it now.

The pain in my chest wanting, needing,

To burst out through the hole that is there.

Permanently gaping.

The noises that rise from the depths of my being

Out in to the air

Shouldn’t surprise me, but they do.

Still feeling raw.

Oh, the things I would change if I could.

To have your gorgeous whole healthy self here.

That cheeky laugh, those quirky ways.

Ah, hindsight.

I miss you endlessly.  More than all the blades of grass

And all the ants in the world.

Weren't you just in my arms? Didn’t I kiss your chubby cheeks?

Just dreaming.

Still so surreal. Time drags. Time flies.

Each step I take is one forward but

Only ‘cause I know that’s what Ive got to do.

Miss you.  Love-a you. Always. 

First Aid

Finally.  This week,  I redid my Senior First Aid Certificate with St John.

Do you know how to do CPR?  Book in for your course now.

Unexpected Reminders

And so many little things have happened over the last few months.  Many unexpected triggers that cause a rush of emotion - be it happiness, nostalgia, sadness.  All endless.

Today, I was at my children school, watching the Easter Hat parade, that my 7 year old was to be in.  The Kindergarten kids came out first, and the first thing I thought of, again unexpectedly, was that Josh would've been in Kindy... 

He shouldv'e been there today, parading around in his decorated ice-cream container.

I wondered what class he would've been in.

He would've loved school.

All endless.  Fleeting anger, but more resigned.

No tissues handy, but I had a scarf to surreptitiously wipe away the tears...

As Year 2 came out though, I watched my other son with pride, and thankful I was able to be there for him.

To write or not to write?

That is the question.

I haven't written for a while for a number of reasons.   Its not that I haven't wanted to; more to do with being pulled in different directions in knowing whether I could and should...  I can only say that certain people haven't wanted me to write about Josh, and our life, and while I can understand that to a point, I feel I write - even more so now - from my perspective, while respecting others by not slandering or casting them in a bad light, etc.  Even from a legal viewpoint, as long as I maintain this, and consider my children's best interests, I try to highlight the good and bad, the stuff that comes from an event happen such as ours.  Its about raising awareness, not laying blame.

Project Life

My life is not all doom and gloom without Jojo.  Every day is hard, everywhere there are constant reminders, but it's okay. I'm okay.

I shared the last post because again, anyone else going through a similar thing may relate, and feel a little better knowing that they're not the only one.  I'm just being honest.

So, for those of you who dont know, I'm a scrapbooker from way back.  My sister in law (now an ex, legally, but we still regard each other as sisters) first got me interested about 9 years ago.  I went on to have two craft and scrapbook websites, and a little mini store from home.  My site closed after Joshy's accident, for obvious reasons.

I loved scrapbooking.  It utilised my favourite things;  its's hands on, creative,  free expression, always different, photos, memories.  I also like seeing a project come together quickly, unlike, for example, quilting.  It also enables a story to be told about the photos.  Its like creating a legacy, or documenting family history.

Here are a couple of pages done in the past.

I haven't scrapped for more than 2 years. Ive done a couple of tiny projects, like a couple of handmade cards, a mini album for a new baby, and some altered wooden letters, but thats all.

If scrapbooking is a way of remembering and recording your life and your family, I simply didn't want to look at what Josh was, or what he had become.  And I didn't even want to scrap my other kids moments during this period either.  I just wasn't ready.

Until recently.

Almost around the same time I was first introduced to scrapbooking, I "discovered" Becky Higgins. She is held in high regard in the scrapping industry.  Simple pages. Unique ideas.  Easy to do.

One of her latest concepts (actually, its at least a year old, but yeh, well, Ive been out of the loop for a bit), is called Project Life.  Rather apt I think.

There are variations on how to maintain this kind of album (some ideas are here).  But the main idea is that you add one photo, and on one little journalling card, you write about that pic.  I have 3 albums which Ive purchased just a few weeks ago.  I will be doing a photo a day for my family's 2011 album.  The second album I'll be choosing random photos out of my piles of printed pics, and journalling about each as the mood strikes.

And my third album, will be just for Josh.  About his whole, too short life.

And for the first time in years, I'm looking forward to putting it all together.  Oh, I know it wont be easy.  But I do feel it is necessary.

Its my family's past, present and future.

I will share a bit here later on.

:-)

I miss my boy

So, I'm sitting here at work, in my little cubicle office, entering data in to a spread sheet, minding my own business, when WHAM! outta nowhere, I think, rather loudly, "I miss my boy."

I try not to acknowledge the thought. I mean, hello? I'm working. I'm busy.  But no.  No consideration - again in my mind I hear "I miss my boy."  Yes, I know, I think in return.  Happy now?  I heard you.  "I miss my boy!" my mind practically screams back...

My eyes well with tears.

Dammit.  

I take my eye drops from my handbag - handy for just such an event, and I briefly wonder how I even have presence of mind to of thought to grab it - and I go to the bathroom.

I stand in front of the huge windows looking out to the street.  And I let go...

I'm aware of my shoulders moving in time with my sobs.The mirror is next to the windows, and I turn to look at myself.  Im thinking I look a lot older when I cry.  But I havent cried like this in a long time.

I miss my boy.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself  And I definitely don't wish for my entire old life back, because there are a lot of things I never want to go through, or my kids to go through, again, Josh aside.  But I do want my Jojo back.

Thankfully, no one has come in during my... here Im stuck for words...Session? Cry? Moment? Release?

I take a deep breath. And another.  I do feel better.  Drained. Exhausted. But better.

And thankfully, no one comes in while I blow my nose, smooth out my hair and fix my makeup a little.

And finally, I lean my head back, and add the eye drops to my eyes.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all the little angels that are no longer with us.

Especially my Jojo. x

A gift.

We were asked to afternoon tea at Joshy's school, which took place this afternoon.  I thought there would be other families, but I felt extra special, as it was just for our family, and was simply lovely.

The kids received a booklet of Joshy's art work and some pics of him, as did JF and I.  We were also given a book (on grieving), and a framed artwork / photo.  I cried.

And I cried a little later too when they showed us their memory wall, of kids who had been in attendance at their school, but who had died.  It was sweet and sad at the same time.

Thank you to everyone at that school. The attention to detail and your dedication to my Jojo mattered and made a huge difference. x

Keyring

A couple of months ago, after Josh died,  I somehow lost only the special fingerprint keyring I had done of Joshy's finger print, back in April last year, and I was devastated!

A lovely lady by the name of Kerrie, who I only know of online from when I used to have my scrapbook and craft web store, managed to make her own version from the pictures Id previously posted.  They're made out of a light weight epoxy or something... but how cool are they?    Thank you so much for caring enough to do this Kerrie. x