7 February

(taken from my journal)

3.13am

Since giving Joey the potassium, he is breathing more on his own again... It reached as high as 11 breaths out of 25 (so the machine took 14 breaths for him). This number is still very low. They cant take his respirator out on that figure. It also isn't good news if he cant breathe on his own.

For I-don't-know-what-reason, here are his stats from the main monitor. There are 6 waves.

HR 136
Pulse 135
BP 113/52 (72)
CVP (10)
Resp 26
CO2 39
Pleth 97
Temp 37.6

While I was out, John overheard some nurses and doctors talking, and they apparently said something about over-dosing or double-dosing. John asked me to ask about it, but we both asked when the Doctor came by, and he fobbed it off saying that if anything like that happened, they would tell us as its "open policy". Hmmm.

So its been more than 24 hours since Joshy first opened his eyes, but there has been no other significant change, and no new firsts yet.

I guess the other thing I'm scared about is "losing it" in front of the kids. Not holding together, and again, cracking over something small. I'm hoping to be a more patient, loving and calmer mummy, but I guess things will take some juggling.

I hate hearing John repeat the story of how this happened. I hate the word drown, or drowning. I see images in my minds eye, of Josh in the water (which I didn't actually see), and then I see him lying at Johns knees.