On Edge

After a distressing occurrence in ICU on Thursday and my subsequent reaction, I shouldn't of been surprised to find out how quickly news travels within the hospital, but I was. The NUM of the ward where we are now pulled me aside to see how I was.

Just when Josh was due to be transferred, something happened to the patient in the bed beside him. The curtain was already drawn, and I didn't turn around to look anyway. I could see the sudden frantic change in the nurse who had been looking after both Josh and that patient. She ran out of the room, and came back seconds later with what almost looked like the rest of the ICU staff. There was controlled and calm urgency, with trolleys and equipment moved, and people in and out.

I stroked Josh's forehead. I started getting hot. I didn't need to see, to know what was happening.

I heard the defibrillator charging. A nurse asked me if I was okay. I thought I was.

Then I heard "Everyone clear!" And the Doctor said it again, "Everyone stand clear!"

And that was it! I kissed Jojo, and ducked and weaved my way out of there!

I cried in the hallway for what must of been mere seconds, and made my way down to the parents tea-room. The same nurse who asked me if I was okay only moments earlier had followed me in, to check on me, and I told her that it was just a bit too close to home at the moment. That it could of been Josh. It could still be Josh. She said she would let me know when it was okay to return...

I cried in the courtyard for a while, but not only was I crying for Josh, and myself, but now also for this little girl. Was she okay?

After 15 minutes or so, I was feeling composed, and somewhat ready to go back in to the room, and as I entered, without looking directly "there", I understood that things were okay.

And a few minutes later, we left ICU for the general ward.